Inside JAGS head, enter at your own peril!

haha ok i have never done a blog thing before and yall know me i am the jokester when im nervous hence the title of my blog.

i know i already mentioned in the other applehead thread about when i have been missing from the forums more n more but i thought i would explain a bit more here.

i will be 39 next month and i have no one "special" in my life ..i thought i would have kids and be married long ago but that doesnt seem to be in my cards and i have mostly accepted that but its hard. i pushed all of my friends away and my family when i moved away in 2001, it was jsut easier at that time for me to do that. i had someone then and we moved here to start our lives together.. needed less to say.. he was an ass and im still here and he is not. see my friends didnt want me with him and i choose to leave instead of deal with all the crap from them. i should have stayed and listened.. but love blinds you.

as it gets closer to my birthday i get depressed, this happens almsot every year because i think about what i do not have .. children. i would have a 16 year old son or daughter if i had made different choice when i was 23 but at that time i did what i had to do and that is my biggest regret i have to this day. my co workers all say.. it will happen dont worry.. i just dont think it will. it doesnt help that i have not been really living i have just been exsisting day to day.. work, sleep, eat.. wash rinse repeat... not anymore. i am going home to seattle to visit and see what may be there for me..maybe its time for me to go home. sorta funny that i have been gone over 8 years and i call seattle home not las vegas. i dont consider las vegas home.. i never have.

i miss my friends that dont judge me, that where there for me no matter what stupid things i did or said.. my family i miss them but i have never been close to them, i guess you could say im the black sheep of the family.. and it was by my own doing. my mom and i finally spoke for the first time in 10 years on my birthday last year. my dad.. ugh.. lets just say when i was 6 i told my mom i hated him and that never really changed. he was not a good father or husband to my mom and it was bad... i wont go into specifics but i didnt have a childhood, it was stolen from me. as i got older i finally accepted that he will never acknowledge what he did to all of us. he calls it "a bad time in his life" thats not good enough for me. yes he is my dad and i love him for that but i can also chose to not have someone like that in my life except at a distance.

anyways the whoel point of this was for me to explain what i meant in the other thread... i had a moment of clarity after Michael passed that life is to short and that if i want certain things in my life i have to do stuff to make that happen. which means to stop hiding from life in my apartment .. if that means going back to seattle, which is where my heart is then thats what i have to do. i have also finalyl started to take better care of myself.. eating better and working out, which i needed to do a long time ago anywho.. thats enough for now... byeeeee

thanks Britt

ok im in love with Michael even more after listening to this version of give in to me..